The In’s and Out’s of the human excrement system and what to do with yours

Here is something I wrote in the style of Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy

The diet of the human being is renowned for its sadistically agonizing treatment of the digestive system. Should you therefore drink too much of their colourless liquid or eat what humans refer to as “Indian food” then you are likely to find it passing through your intestines at an exceedingly alarming rate and will require an intimacy of their excrement system.

Humans tend to use a number system when describing these situations. Number one refers to the passing of liquid while number two is that of solids and noxious gas. The effect of this system is then determined by the gender of the human. If they are male, the number they require indicates whether they should sit or stand during the process while females prefer to sit no matter what they are doing.

If you are portraying the character of a male human being while on your expeditions then there are two essential instruments with which you must become accustomed. The first is referred to as a ‘urinal’ and appears to look like a large white circle, a similar material and shape to the bowls [see chapter 6] in which your food would be served. These two objects are not to be confused however as it is regarded a greatly discourteous and disparaging act to number one in the soup, no matter how insipid you regard its taste to be. The second is necessary for the act of number 2 and is technically termed a ‘toilet’, however the country on earth which you are visiting may have a variety of terms including, ‘the johnny’, ‘the tarts wardrobe’, ‘the shitter’ and ‘the loo’. Nevertheless, the term ‘toilet’ is understood in all English [see chapter 2] speaking countries so when in doubt, ask. This object resembles a large dish alos and has a handle which is pushed down to efficiently dispose of any and all substances. For all genders you are required to flush the toilet when finished and must watch the process to ensure that everything has gone down. Female humans make use of only the toilet as they have been proved physically incapable of performing in the same manner as men.

The urinals and toilets are usually kept hidden away and must be searched for using the aid of plaques and signs indicating ‘toilets’ and an arrow. Follow these arrows and you are likely to reach your destination. Men and women choose to perform these acts in separate quarters, shown by a stick drawing of a male or female human nailed to the door. For women these quarters are then further separated into cubicles so that each human may have the capacity to reveal their netheregions [see chapter 10] in private. Men, on the other hand, are far more of exhibitionists as urinals are nailed to one wall and all men showcase themselves in order to gain approval. Should you wish to make more human friends on your trip, it is advised that you buy an extra large penis as it has been proven to make you more friends, particularly female ones.

Robyn