Words

Words,

Words,

Where for art thou fucking words?

Once words spilled from my mouth

Like coffee beans on a counter,

Like ice caps into oceans,

Like excuses from a banker.

Once I was inspired

By people, by objects, by events, by day, by night,

By an eyelash on a forefinger,

By the colours in a light.

Once I had notebooks filled with words

Each one was written, not with ink, but with pride:

My words were my talent, my future, my ‘thing’,

My way to express what I felt inside.

Once I thought I was a poet (and a decent one at that)

So I cast my words to the wind,

To be shredded by a howling indifference

That left me completely chagrined.

I could never be a poet, they said.

I didn’t speak in complex abstracts or enlightened symbols

Or have a thousand different meanings

To every word I wrote.

I could never be a poet, they said.

I’m not for feminism, against communism,

Fighting racism, facing sexism,

Losing to ageism, preaching anti-clericalism.

I could never be a poet, they said.

I’m not a philosopher or a lesbian,

Not suicidal or foreign,

Neither fought in a war nor fallen in love.

The words left me after that:

Too ashamed of their own normality and regularity.

For a while I returned to the rational, the literal:

Reality.

They had no choice but to return:

My future depends on my words.

I knew I must throw my words to the wind

And have them soar like the birds.

It was not easy.

I was critical, unrhymed, tried to be what I was not.

I wrote pages and pages

But it all went to pot.

I scolded and seethed,

My words trembled with fright

I threw down my pen

And clenched my eyes tight.

Now I had anger,

Now I was oppressed,

Now I had a purpose,

Now I had to contest.

I am not Shakespeare;

I am not Blake.

My words are not written

For society’s sake!

I write from a feeling

That grows from inside

Unruly, barbaric,

Deep and untied.

Do not try to control it

Do not try to dictate

Do not try to conform it

For it will only stagnate.

Throw wood on my fire,

Fructify my seed

And I’ll prove me a poet,

My words shall succeed.