4000 Characters

[A group of 10-15 1^st year college students are sat on chairs, stage right. A sign is at the back of the stage “Uni Advice Day”. A teacher is stood in front of the students. On stage right are two chairs, one is empty and one has another student in it who looks deep in thought and serious. She appears to be saying something under her breath.]

Teacher: For the next hour or so we will be looking at one of the most crucial aspects of your university applications: your personal statements. First we have one of our students in the second year that recently completed her university application and is here to give you advice on writing your personal statements. Please would you all welcome, Kathy!

[The teacher goes and sits in the empty chair on stage left. Kathy, the student sitting stage left, stands and walks to centre stage, looking slightly towards the floor. Her face remains deep in thought and her mouth continues to move as if she is quietly speaking to herself. She reaches centre stage, stands completely still for a moment, mouthing. Then, suddenly, she jerks her head up and she has a wide smile.]

Kathy: [Extremely happy and excited, using big gestures and movements yet also obviously fake and forced.]

On my 7^th birthday, my Dad bought me a chemistry set with 100 different experiments. It was just squeezing lemon juice into grape juice and watching the lemon juice turn red, but to me it was magic and from then on chemistry became my life!

[Kathy’s smile slowly falls and her face resumes one of grave seriousness. She speaks in a low, hushed voice, as if what she is saying is a terrible secret but her voice constantly grows in anger as she speaks until the point of shouting, when she calms herself. She faces the audience while speaking but looks straight ahead at something in the distance.]

Always start with an anecdote. It makes you seem more...friendly. Likeable. Human. Prove that your subject has been a life-long love. I much preferred the Barbie I got that day and didn’t like science till I was 15 but that’s what happens when you write these statements: truth and lies blur and entwine until you can no longer tell which is which. If you tell the complete truth, they won’t want you.

[Suddenly turns and points accusingly at the students]

Tell all lies and you’ll get caught! The boy who cried I read it! is the most common Uni fable to date.

[Walks towards the students, looking each of them in the eye. Stops right in front of them.]

Find the right mix of look-at-me lies and touching truths and you’ve got yourself a place. So what exactly is it that you need to deceive them of?

[Pauses for a few seconds]

Would you call yourself a well-rounded individual?

[Kathy turns her head sharply towards the students. She waits a moment, as the students look at each other, unsure of whether to answer. Kathy roars in frustration.]

Do you play an instrument? A sport? Do you volunteer?

[Still the students don’t answer, just look at her worried]

Show these universities that you are a human being worthy of their time. You can’t be a teenager that does nothing but drink with friends. You must be a talented musician and athlete that can contribute to Uni life. You must be interested in issues around you. You may be terrible at the violin, attend one football training match and not give a toss about the environment, but that doesn’t matter. Who you are is of no importance. It is who you are willing to be.

[Kathy pauses for a moment and then begins pacing in front of them.]

You question me.

[Mimicks the students voices]

Don’t they want to see who we really are? They’ll see through it if you’re fake! PAH! You want to be honest? Go ahead. Say you like the look of the course, you hear the night life is great, you want to get the hell away from your parents, you love that there are no examinations in the first year, you are a nice person and usually on time and please won’t they just give you a place? Thousands of other fools will do the same and you’ll all be lost in the stormy seas of rejection, begging for the power of Clearing to throw you a rope.

[Pauses for a few seconds and then turns away again and walks back to centre stage and talking in the direction of the audience.]

4000 characters, including spaces and full stops. That’s all you have. Those 4000 characters will become an inescapable nightmare for every one of you. Time after time you’ll type page upon page into your UCAS, press submit, cross your fingers and pray to the heavens, only to read that it is 354 characters too long. People try to gain a character here and there by ‘accidentally’ forgetting to put a space or a full stop but it doesn’t work.

[Again she turns towards the students, holding up a finger and walks slowly to stand in front of one particular student, who looks at her terrified.]

One single grammatical or spelling error and BAM...there goes your statement in the bin.

[She stands back to address the entire group.]

Check. Double-check. Triple-check. You can check it a hundred times and still a mistake can trickle through. You lie in bed thinking, do I spell necessary with two C’s or two S’s? Is it affect or effect? It doesn’t end when you fall asleep: your dreams are filled with professors laughing at your stupidity, throwing hours of your life into the shredder and you see your parents disappointed faces when you get rejected by each one. Then you wake up and see your statement lying on the desk, 354 characters too long, mocking you.

[Kathy shakes her head, stepping back into centre stage, mouthing something.]

You can’t imagine. Soon, you will know. The mind-numbing math swallows our thoughts and we find ourselves perpetually adding up. I knew a boy who studied Government & Politics, Philosophy, English language & literature and Business studies. He said each subject twice. That’s 712 characters squandered. I went on a Young Scientists Introduction to Chemistry in Higher Education Programme. I said it 4 times and lost 284 characters.

[Kathy wrings her hands, as if pleading with desperation and, still stood in front of the students, turns towards the audience.]

I did everything I could to cut it down. I didn’t mention it was for young sciences, I left out that it was just an introduction, but it was no use. I had no choice but to sacrifice 156 characters.

[Kathy walks back to centre stage, looking out into the audience. She takes long pauses between each sentence, mouthing something. She no longer looks angry, but upset, lost, desperate and exhausted]

It can be done. It must be. Stay up till the early hours scribbling out sentences and replacing it with ones four characters shorter. Count and contrast the characters of adjectives. Spend so much time counting it becomes second nature and everything you do fits into 4000 characters. Just like this speech.

[Kathy stands in silence. The students and teacher all watch her, awe-struck, confused and unsure of what to make of what just happened. After about 30 seconds, she turns around and walks off stage.]